The First Cuckoo Of Spring...The First Hosepipe Ban
West Sussex County Council has delivered me the latest edition of its comic, West Sussex Connections. It leads on its front page with "War Against Water Waste". It warns: "Urgent action is needed to prevent a water crisis or by the summer we could face rationing."

So, how low is Ardingly reservoir? 30%? 40%? 45%? No, all totally wrong guesses. Ardingly reservoir is 100% full. Yes, really! So can we use hosepipes? No! Can we wash the car? No!

There's nothing sanctimonious self-righteous people like more than to ban something. And there is no more sanctimonious group of prigs than environmentalists. I remember at Oakmeeds being lectured by a science teacher that we should all get our parents to use the bus when we went shopping. No doubt some hard-working parents came home to a sermon from their indoctrinated children. He came and went to school in a rather large gas-guzzling off-road vehicle; just as politicians travel to environmental conferences by jet to discuss how to reduce CO2 emissions.

Environmentalists, politicians and water companies are in an unholy alliance determined to restrict our water supply. The water companies, who sold reservoirs for housing, now complain they have nowhere to collect the supplies. We are informed that if water meters are compulsorily fitted consumption is reduced by 10 to 15%; so not much really. Certainly not as much water as the ? of the supply lost through pipe leakage.

However, environmentalists love water meters. How it punishes those who don't take life as seriously as themselves, who have normal hobbies like gardening or going for a drive. They must be punished! Even more joyful for these prigs is that you are encouraged to shop your neighbour should they be so decadent and sinful. How long before someone receives an ASBO for watering their garden?

Water companies love water meters as well. Now they know how much people are using they can charge per unit. Increase the price of a unit and watch the share price rocket. And don't say that's unfair, or you'll receive a lecture from their green heavies! I remember being stopped in a shopping centre, where there was the local water company handing out "hippos"; on the side of their caravan posters about the environment. These hippos were small bags of sand you were supposed to put in your toilet cistern so less water was flushed. Fine for a pee, but no good for a really stubborn one...sorry it's hard to resist being vulgar.

As for politicians, they have given up trying to restrict the right of abode to our little island. Whether it be Al Quaeda terrorists or Polish plumbers forcing local people out of work or into low-paid jobs, they'll all going to want to live somewhere. Now that there is going to be more demand for water, we are all expected to take only our fair share and make sacrifices to welcome the new arrivals. At least 500,000 new homes are planned for the southeast.

When did using water stop being essential and became a privilege?

Situations Vacant
A job vacancy has taken my eye. Brighton and Sussex University Hospitals NHS Trust is seeking Non-Executive Board Directors. Even though the work is only 2½ days a month, you will be paid £5,673 a year. In one of the posts it says you will need "the ability to analyse large amounts of data and identify trends."

Our NHS Trust is bankrupt. It owes £21 million. It has announced the loss of 325 jobs. Yet, can afford to pay people to take on the role of managers at a rate of £27 an hour. I think I should apply for this job, as I think I can already pinpoint one area where the trust is wasting money.

Parking
The county and district councils are proposing "Controlled Parking Zones", where residents pay for the privilege of parking outside their own homes. Supposedly, this will improve availability of parking for visitors and shoppers. But, of course, we all know this is just a revenue-raising device.

Letters were sent out in consultation, which were received the day the consultation was supposed to end. Some residents wonder if the decision has already been taken. Tut, tut...such cynicism.

We find out how parking enforcement can improve the shopping experience by looking at the Lindfield and Cuckfield examples. Since January parking restrictions have been enthusiastically enforced. The ½ hour waiting limit in Lindfield is deterring shoppers, and in Cuckfield traders and residents are using the public car-parks, giving shoppers no look-in at all.

It's another great council success story!

Breasts
Ardingly's Women's Institute have been knitting breasts, because the Special Baby Care Unit at the Princess Royal wants to demonstrate breast feeding and the nurses aren't allowed to touch real women's breasts anymore.

In the Middy, nurse Lisa Anderson, says: "The breasts are fantastic. We've got flat nipples, ones in pink and brown. The mothers have taken to them very well and we've had an awful lot of fun with it. We've even made a mobile in the breast feeding room with breasts hanging down!"

So, with the delightful image of breasts hanging down from the ceiling like stalactites still heavy in your mind, I end this week's column.